Monday, February 19, 2018

Goodbye, Insecurity!

I'm not one of those people who were told by others, "You'll never amount to anything." Though I didn't have the best life growing up, I can't say that those responsible for my well-being spoke negatively about me. The most I got was from kids at school who called me ugly, skinny, poor, or blacky. Insults and demeaning phrases are not something that was projected directly onto me by the people in my life. I mean I wasn't taught that I could run the world, but my hopes of someday becoming something in the world weren't ripped to shreds by my guardians.

It's weird, though, because as far back as I can remember, low self-esteem was prevalent in my way of thinking. Perhaps it's from falling victim to molestation at the age of six, or being sent away to live with my grandmother while my younger sister got to stay with our mom and her dad, or maybe it's because, next to my gorgeous BlackiRican (That's Black and Puerto Rican) childhood best friend, I was just the awkward-looking chocolate girl who was always looked over. I honestly don't know where it began. I can't pinpoint the starting place in my life that began my long journey in believing I wasn't good enough.

Hearing the words, "You'll never amount to anything," didn't come to me from outsiders or those around me. They came to me from a very familiar voice, though. That voice was my own.

Early on, I picked up this bad habit of projecting other people's treatment of me onto myself. I developed the mindset that things happened to me or people handled me a certain way because of something flawed about me. I taught myself that I welcomed bad experiences because I wasn't a good person. I don't know how or why I adopted that as my truth, but I did. And I carried it throughout my life.

In my mind, I was never good enough for anything; not because that's what someone told me, but it's what I fed myself. Looking in retrospect, I robbed myself of so many opportunities and fell short in reaching certain goals or pursuing particular dreams, because I talked myself out of believing I could or was deserving.

I did that. Singlehandedly. That was all me. Yep, that chick I see when I look in the mirror, give her all the credit. I could have easily been Dr. LaKeisha, Psy. D. (Don't sleep on me yet, though!), but I was out here snatching my own hopes and dreams like, "Oh no,baby! What is you doing?" 

I can laugh about it now, because in the past few years, God has graced me to develop healthy self-esteem. I now believe that I am this incredible queen, deserving of all things good, and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Sometimes, I start feeling myself a little too much and I have to tell myself, "Sit down. Be humble."

But that's what happens when your eyes are opened to the truth of who you are in Christ. There is just something so freeing about truth.

When I learned that I am God's masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10);
And when I learned that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14);
And when I learned that I am the righteous of God through Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:21);
And when I learned that I am new in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17);
And when I learned that I God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11);

It destroyed the chains of bondage where low self-esteem had held me captive, and set me free to walk into a new way of being.

That doesn't mean I don't have times when insecurities knock on my door; it just means that when it does come knocking, I choose not to open the door. Mainly because I'm an introvert (Most of the time. I'm slowly seeing myself transform into an ambivert. *insert shock face*), and I don't care much for unexpected company. The way my confidence is set up now, Insecurity stands at the door of my mind like, "I know you're in there! I can see your blinds moving! I can hear your kids!" Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the sofa, scrolling on my phone like I don't hear a thing!

It's funny, but that's how you have to be when the lies of the enemy try to invade your mind. When he comes to tell you, IN YOUR OWN VOICE, that you're not good enough, or you're unworthy, or you can't do anything right, or nobody loves you, you've got to learn to ignore him and let him know that you are not hungry for the lies he wants to feed you, because you're full from the truth of God's word concerning everything about you.

Ain't nobody got time for low self-esteem; we are much too blessed and highly favored for that non-sense.

Pick up your mindset, queen!

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